by Bob Johnson
It may seem inconceivable that a man could arrive home after work and be met with this question from his wife: “What did you see at the strip club today, honey?” Yet that’s a common occurrence in Las Vegas, where the question focuses not on what the husband may have seen inside Little Darlings, but rather the verbiage on that club’s roadside marquee sign.
Some have suggested that in Sin City, the Little Darlings marquee is second in fame only to the “Welcome to Las Vegas” sign. It’s certainly favored by locals because of its ever-changing words of wisdom (occasionally), snark (often) and innuendo (more often). We will cite a few messages fit for family consumption.
During the days of hyper egg-flation, the sign one day read:
LAP DANCES:
CHEAPER
THAN EGGS
During one of the recurring government shutdowns, this message was projected:
NOW
AUDITIONING
FEDERAL
EMPLOYEES
Then there was this sign that made perfect sense to all:
HUSBAND
DAY CARE
CENTER
Here in the Inland Northwest, the star of the marquee sign is a business that has nothing to do with strippers but does know how to handle stripped brakes. Whether one is driving by a Golden Rule Brake shop in Spokane’s North Monroe Business District, the North Spokane area, Spokane Valley or Post Falls, there’s a marquee sign offering words of wisdom, points to ponder, puns and more.
For instance, during the aforementioned period of egg-flation, the Golden Brake marquees read:
THESE EGG
PRICES BETTER
NOT AFFECT THE
CADBURY ONES
“I try to do a decent mix of things that are funny and things that are thought provoking,” said Dallas Low, the third-generation owner of the company, which marked its 72nd birthday in February. “People tend to like the funny stuff, but it’s more meaningful to me to put up something thought provoking.”
Low’s grandfather, Lester, and Lester’s brother, Harvey, started the business in 1954. Low’s father, Jerry, bought the business in 1980 and introduced the marquee signs in the early 1990s. Low purchased the business in 2013 and, along with the keys to the doors, came “the books,” collections of quotes that were used to provide a steady flow of material for the signs, which are changed weekly and feature a different message on each side — 104 messages per year.
Dallas Low (left) is the third-generation owner of Golden Rule Brake and the man behind the marquee sign messages at the company’s four area shops. His son, Jeremiah, is now learning the ropes.
“My dad thought the signs would be a good marketing tool, and he was absolutely right,” Low said. “As people are driving, there’s a lot that’s competing for their attention. He thought the messages would get more eyes looking at our business, and that would lead to more people coming to us when they needed a repair.”
Low added that he’s mindful that any given message may be received or interpreted in different ways by different people.
“I don’t want to shove a particular message down the throats of people because then they’ll tune me out,” he said. “There’s no sense in doing that. So, I do a mix of what I think is appropriate that the community will be receptive to. I’m not overhanded with the religious stuff, although it’s super important to me.”
While “the books” were helpful during Low’s early years of sign message authoring, the evolution of the internet also has provided a treasure trove of material. And he said his ears are always open, including while attending church.
“My pastor might say something during his sermon that strikes a chord. I’ll get my phone out to make a note, and my wife is like, ‘Get off your phone, you’re in church!’ Sometimes I’ll be watching a TV show, a character will say something, and I’ll think, ‘Oh, that’s pretty good.’ The ideas can come from anywhere.”
The spectrum of topics is wide, from the challenges of aging to the battle of the (belly) bulge, and from the perils of relationships to puns based on dad jokes.
When it comes to aging, a sign might focus on one’s physical appearance:
IF GRAY HAIR
IS A SIGN OF
WISDOM, I’M A
FREAKIN’ GENIUS
Or it may touch on one’s physical state:
MY FAVORITE
CHILDHOOD
MEMORY IS MY
BACK NOT HURTING
Or it could even harken to one’s misspent youth:
WHEN YOU’RE OLD,
YOU TAKE ALL
YOUR DRUGS AFTER
THE CONCERT
For those of us in a constant state of diet deprivation, some of the signs hit close to home. A prime (not prime rib) example:
I WANT BUNS OF
STEEL, BUT I ALSO
WANT BUNS OF
CINNAMON
America’s most popular take-home meal provided fodder for this message:
EATING PIZZA
IS A GREAT WAY
TO SUPPRESS
YOUR APPETITE
And, as one who grew up in a family bakery business, I can vouch for the accuracy of this message:
STRESS CANNOT
EXIST IN THE
PRESENCE
OF PIE
From courting all the way through retirement, Golden Rule’s signs have provided valuable relationship guidance. For instance:
DATING ADVICE:
IF HE SMELLS LIKE
FABRIC SOFTENER,
HE’S MARRIED
Then there was this secret to a happy marriage:
I DO WHATEVER
THE VOICES IN MY
WIFE’S HEAD
TELL ME TO DO
And for the marriage that beats the odds and holds up:
THE RETIRED
HUSBAND
IS A WIFE’S
FULL-TIME JOB
This being a humor column, and me being a veteran dad jokester, the puns that occasionally find their way onto the signs are among my favorites. We’ll begin with one that’s so bad it could be considered pun-ishment:
COWS HAVE
HOOVES INSTEAD
OF FEET BECAUSE
THEY LACTOSE
I never have excelled at math, so this one really added up:
PUNS MAKE ME
NUMB. MATH
PUNS MAKE
ME NUMBER
But my favorite of all the puns is this one:
IF ATTACKED
BY A MOB OF
CLOWNS, GO FOR
THE JUGGLER
Low described the marquee signs as “something we can do that goes beyond fixing your car. They’re something we can do for the community.”
Tangible evidence of success in that regard was provided a few years ago.
“A woman who runs a half-way house for women stopped by,” Low recalled. “She told me that every week when she drives by, she stops, writes down the message and then posts it on the bulletin board at the house.
“That really touched me. We may never know how a statement or a comment in that moment intersects with the life of a person, whether they just need a pick-me-up or are really struggling.”
Whether touching a heart or tickling a funny bone, the marquee signs fronting Low’s brake shops provide thoughts worth sharing — with no need to even go near a strip club.
Bob Johnson can write about strip clubs only anecdotally, but he knows a good marquee sign when he sees one as he and wife Michelle explore the communities and neighborhoods of the Inland Northwest and share their observations with Huckleberry Press readers.