At Home With Myself
|by Eileen Pedersen, Trail, BC
Is it possible to be up in such a down time?
I like to think so; in fact I do think so; in fact the answer is YES.
Isolated at home, freshly showered and all dressed up…. With SOMEWHERE to go: My Office. I’m decluttering—paper, files, books, boxes, shelves, and my bulletin board. What a delight to revisit stored letters and documents from my youth and, my child-rearing, teaching, and traveling past. In grade one Miss Flick wrote: “No more school work at home; Eileen needs real play.” She changed my life. Through viewing my son’s artwork and poignant writings over the years I deepened my love and respect for this creative, funny, and resilient being.
Are Politics and the Pandemic still occurring? Are we still experiencing losses in different areas of our lives? Do we miss our families and friends and physical touch? Do feelings of depression and panic threaten to overwhelm us? Yes. This is not about denial of very serious situations. We are all affected. How can we not be? I’m lucky I have a small pension income from teaching and my basic health care is covered. But, my immediate family lives over 2000 miles away. Being alone and lonely can lead me down a rabbit hole if I’m not vigilant.
So this morning after meditating and showering, I donned my newest thrift store skirt, did up my hair and face, and got to work.
I was not always like this. During the last half of my lifetime, I’ve been practising the art of psychological and emotional excavation. Over time, I discovered a gold mine in the deep recesses of my psyche. I saw how angry I was and how I was being a victim of circumstances that happened in my life. I saw I blamed others for my situations. I saw how depressed and powerless I’d been as a result, and how I withdrew from friends and family. And how I lived a frenzied life always ‘on the go’, trying to make up for the flawed self I ‘knew’ myself to be. I discovered that I failed to be responsible for my own well-being. I was stressed to the gills and I was drowning. I had experienced my own personal pandemic.
What does this have to do with Covid 19? Well, this particular brand of solitude has been a god-send for me. I’ve never felt as connected to myself and others as I do now. I’m thankful for the opportunity to be still, to dig deeper, to nurture my relationships, to declutter my physical environment as well as my internal one, and to acknowledge what my life is actually for. A few months ago I declared that what I wanted was Vitality and Freedom for All. But as I carefully shoveled and brushed aside more dirt, I discovered strands of fossilized thoughts that were blocking this virtuous declaration. I did not want to admit that I didn’t actually want Vitality and Freedom for SOME people. Ouch. How come? What resentments was I holding on to? I donned my miner’s helmet, turned on the lamp, and with great trepidation started looking around for where I was not being compassionate towards others.
Will this self discovery ever end? Probably not. There’s always another layer. Am I open to it? HELL YAH!!
I feel very privileged to have had this quiet time to explore my life, to loosen the chains of my self-imposed prison, to deepen my relationships, and to ‘allow’ others their freedoms to be and do. And to avail myself of the internet for being in communication, for being entertained, and for continuing to participate in courses with a community of people on the same path as I am. Enter ZOOM.
I don’t know how I’ll be if extremely dire circumstances arise in my life, and they might. My intention is to experience them fully with grace and gratitude. My gratitude journal, by the way, is alive and well. It’s amazing how much there is to be thankful for. Am I still angry? Yup, sometimes. So what? I am human after all. And I have the capacity to examine what’s going on and to clean up my messes.
I am in awe of people’s creative solutions and expressions in dealing with these trying circumstances and times. I know that for me, when I, just for a moment, set aside the thoughts and feelings that suck my energy, I can choose a different way to be….one that raises my spirits and transforms how I experience my life, even in the face of, at times, debilitating health issues. This morning I chose to have fun and so, I dressed up. Last Friday, January 8, I dressed up heels and lipstick and all, and took myself to a concert—in my living room. I watched ‘Aloha From Hawaii’ in celebration of Elvis Presley’s 85th birthday. I even danced.
Will those thoughts and feelings of despair disappear forever? No. They are etched in my brain as neuronal patterns which love to be awakened. They’re about surviving my life. And I’m no longer about ‘just’ surviving. I’m about thriving.
Eileen Truant Pedersen is an adult educator, writer, and retired school teacher who loves kids, music, dancing, and photography. She is the author of “Set in Stone~A History of Trail’s Rock Walls”, about the 100s of rock walls and their builders, mostly Italian stone masons. Her son and grandsons are based in the Northwest Territories. She returned to her home town of Trail, BC 20 years ago.
I am proud to say that I am on Eileen’s cousin in Ontario! Reading this eloquently stated and very raw account of her journey is as if she read my mind entirely. Though we have never met face-to-face we seem to mirror each other and I often feel we were separated at Birth. LOL we share much of the same journey and attributes and I hope that 2021 will be the year that we can give each other a hug in person and catch up on a lifetime of separation. Our fathers were brothers. I look forward to more reading from this amazing author!
Aww Cyndee. Your comment brought me to tears. I love you and appreciate you so much. Thank you for your words and for sharing what you did. I guess we’re all human that way; we all go through the brown stuff. I’m thankful there’s more than one lens to view life from. We are crazy connected lol…..and I’m predicting we WILL see each other this year. In the meantime it’s time to burn up the phone lines again. Thanks Cuz.
I loved this article. So uplifting, human, and inspiring. Thank you.
RaNae, my dear friend. I am blown away to read your comment here. It’s meaningful for me to know you were impacted like that. So thank you. I guess I can’t hide any more aye? Lol. Talk soon. xo
So well written with raw feelings! You amaze me Eileen. I’m sure many will benefit from your words and feelings… Made me think!
Wow Alice! Thank You! All the way from way down south! Yah, it made me think too … because now I’m called to live from that place instead of what’s ‘run’ me in the past. Thanks so much for your feedback. <3 Til we see each other again. xoxo
Great piece, Eileen. Very honest! It will encourage others to look within as well.
Hey Joanna, thank you!! I hope you are right. I’ve discovered that most of the fears I’ve become conscious of are imagined, tho they sure feel real and threatening. Thanks for reading it and responding….big virtual hug!
Such a great great article and so well-written 🙂 I get the metaphor and I can really see you on a date with Elvis 🙂
Thank you so much Dave V! I appreciate you and the riches you inspire!! Yah, well, I missed my chance with Elvis. Damn. He was like within arms distance…b/c we shook hands… clothed in a dark blue bathrobe down to his calves, and, bare feet! At 5 a.m! We could have rocked the world but I blew it. HAHAHAHAHA. Nice thought though 😉
Words of wisdom, written so eloquently. Thank you for sharing your journey, so inspiring. Our journey is full of ups/downs, you’ve beautifully described how one can be in the world and yet not attached to the world. This is the path my friend, accepting all that is … Satnam
Dear Jas, thank you for your very kind words and for accompanying me on this path the last 7 weeks. Your Kundalini Yoga classes have been gently opening and healing. And wow…”being in the world and yet not attached…” I will wear that nugget around my neck. Satnam, Jas. <3
You are an inspiration, cara cugina! I loved that your story took me on your excavations and shared your precious discoveries. Forget about zirconia – you found diamonds!!!
Valerie, Thank You!….and from you, the Great Inspirer!! Thanks for journeying with me………….yes, yes, yes! Diamonds!!! ….precious gems, once uncovered and held close to the heart they sparkle forever. Grazie cugina mia! <3
Hi Zia Eileen. As I was reading your well written article, there were segments that I thought, for a moment, you were writing about me. Excavating the gold mines of your physic only to discover rare emeralds. Well done Zd.
Hi dear Lores!! I’m glad you could relate to the article. Thank you so much for your feedback–it means a lot. It’s so great to know that, all of us being ‘human’–we have ways to get past those debilitating beliefs we have had about ourselves and others. It’s a forever job. Big virtual hugs.<3
Very good article Zd. It’s as if you were writing about your niece. Loved how you excavated the gold mine of your psychic and unearthed priceless artifacts . Well done. This reader was captivated by your experiences.
Awwww! Thank you X2 Lores…..priceless indeed…..not always “nice” to see but that’s just a story hahaha. I LOVE the word ‘artifacts’ and I looked it up: (Oxford Dictionary: meaning #1: an object made by a human being, typically an item of cultural or historical interest. “gold and silver artifacts” And that’s the truth!…we humans unknowingly make that stuff up and …. they DO have cultural and historical significance!! GRAZIE! xoxoxo
Eileen, you never cease to amaze me with your talents: writing, photography, research, commitment, etc. Your resilience is shown in your texts. I found inspiration in your writing to stay away from the ‘rabbit hole’ you mentioned; Journal writing, meditation and finding distraction in ‘dressing’ up when pursuing our daily lives. Keep up the writing. You are good.
Thank you my dear friend. You’ve always been a champion of my writing, encouraging me. I appreciate that. Thank you for all you said. Glad this article had something in it of value for you. And thanks for sharing your laughter….the dressing up was definitely fun! <3
Eileen I recently was trying to find a copy of Set in Stone and learned that it is no longer in print. I would be happy to get a used copy if you know of any. I want to gift it to a friend who recently moved to the coast after living her whole life here.
Hi Sheila
Thanks for inquiring about Set in Stone for your friend. If I can access a used copy, I will let you know. I have been exploring the possibility of a reprint as well. This will take some time, however. What is the best way to contact you? Thanks again. Eileen Pedersen