Kerry Schafer
Have you ever wondered why knock-knock jokes work so well? Let’s be honest, most of them are not all that funny, and yet, we can’t resist them. When your friend, co-worker, or spouse walks up to you and says, “Knock-knock,” with that cheesy, wait-for-it expression on their face, you know what’s coming. But have you ever not replied with the requisite, “Who’s there?” And then a moment later, even though you know better, you catch yourself asking, “Boo who?” and they say, “What are you crying for?”
Our brains are hard-wired to search out the answers to questions, even in the form of knock-knock jokes. Give your brain a riddle or a problem to solve, and it will happily occupy itself, sometimes for hours, with or without our conscious attention, looking for the answer.
Most of us habitually and unconsciously feed our brains questions that lead to answers that don’t contribute to our general well-being. A lot of the self-talk we engage in takes the form of questions — and, like most of our unconscious (or semi-unconscious) self-talk, these questions tend to be negative, such as:
How come nothing ever works out for me?
Why is life always so unfair?
Why do bad things always happen to me?
Why is my relationship such a mess?
Why can’t I ever do anything right?
Why am I so stupid/clumsy/[insert insult here]?
When we ask ourselves questions like this, our brains very helpfully get right to work searching out answers. They sort and sift through all sorts of data: social interactions and faux pas, mishaps, mistakes, and failures, going all the way back to early childhood. Then they start creating the brain equivalent of pie charts and flow sheets that present evidence and answers, and draw conclusions.
Unfortunately, the conclusions drawn from these data sets are not likely to lead to us feeling motivated, centered, loved, fulfilled or successful. In fact, given the tone of the unconscious negative self-talk going on in our brains all day, it’s a wonder more of us don’t end up staying in bed with the covers pulled up over our heads on a regular basis.
As an example, let’s explore a perennial classic. Suppose I ask, in a moment of frustration, “Why can’t I ever do anything right?”
My brain is going to sift through my memory banks and log every incident connected to me not doing things right. It’s also going to include the times a parent, teacher, boss, or lover told me I was missing the mark. And then my brain is going to feed me something that sounds like this:
“Well, Kerry, let’s see. We’ve discovered thousands of incidents where you didn’t measure up and can certainly confirm that you do not seem able to do anything right. Remember that time you failed an exam? Those Cs you got in math and that D in junior high chemistry? What about that friendship you totally blew up by being catty, and the time you bounced a check, and oh, what about that time you were fired from a job you should have been way over-qualified for? The answer to why you can’t do anything right is because you’re obviously flawed, broken, and inept. We don’t see much chance of this changing in the future, given your track record with not doing things right.”
And then the whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing starts to play out. I believe I can’t do anything right, therefore I notice every time I make a mistake or don’t quite measure up, and that leads to more mistakes and more not measuring up and eventually to me not even trying to succeed.
But… My brain has delivered inaccurate results. It’s not the brain’s fault! The problem is that the question as I asked it led to the exclusion of conflicting data. My brain, looking for the answer to “why can’t I do anything right,” filtered out all of the many times I succeeded. It discounted the friendships I’ve nurtured, the rewarding jobs I’ve excelled at, the fantastic grades I received in courses I was good at, the books I’ve written, the awards I’ve won and all of the other good things in my life.
Fortunately, a small adjustment in the questions we ask will lead to different answers. I began consciously shifting up my questions a few years back and I’m often surprised and delighted by the results. Now, I try to ask questions more like:
How is it that I’m always so lucky?
What if I’m actually really good at this?
I wonder why my partner loves me so much?
I wonder how this situation is going to work out to be a good thing in the end?
When I ask questions like this, my brain accesses entirely different data banks. This time, what comes up are all the times I’ve been lucky, the many ways in which I have succeeded, the times I thought a set of circumstances was heading straight for disaster but then something good happened instead.
Again, the self-fulfilling prophecy kicks in. If I’m remembering all of the times I’ve succeeded, all of the things I’ve done right, the times I’ve been loved and have loved, I’m going to feel better in general. I’m going to feel more optimistic, more confident, and more motivated to try new things and to seek out positive experiences.
Trust me, this really works. Ready to give it a try? Ask yourself some good questions; maybe even write them down and see what happens.
Colville resident Kerry Schafer (who also writes as Kerry Anne King) is the bestselling author of 14 novels and the co-host of The One Happy Thing Podcast. Learn more at www.allthingskerry.com.