by Kerry Schafer
Christmas is expensive, stressful, and a lot of work.
Yes, I said what I said and I’ll say it again. Christmas – in fact the whole month of December – is expensive, stressful, and a lot of work. Whether you’re the person who loves the food and the gifts and the lights and the Christmas music blaring from every speaker in every store, or the one who wants to dig a hole and bury yourself until January, you know I’m right.
Don’t get me wrong. I do actually love this season, but for all of us with families, jobs, and a budget, it can be a lot. Add complicated extended family relationships, years of holiday memories (good and bad) and grief about loved ones who are no longer here to celebrate, and it can be the most difficult month of the year.
To make things worse, we think we should be happy and excited, so we pretend to be in the holiday spirit even when we’re not feeling it. This combination may lead to an emotional explosion over something seemingly insignificant. A broken ornament. A guest arriving a little late for dinner. A careless comment. And suddenly somebody is shouting and somebody else is in tears and innocent bystanders are left wondering what the heck just happened.
So, what do we do? How can we love the festive season without succumbing to stress and resentment? I thought about making one of those lists of tips for a happy, peaceful holiday season, but instead I’ve boiled my thoughts down to two basic (but tricky!) practices.
Even the traditions we love and look forward to can start to feel heavy with the weight of years of expectations piled on top of them, especially when time and money are tight. When I was 21, I was all about putting up every decoration I could find, baking ALL the cookies, making gingerbread houses, and creating homemade gifts for everyone on my list.
Now? I want to want to do those things. But a lot of them feel daunting and exhausting when added on top of my already very busy life. They’ve turned into shoulds.Should is a sneaky word. It always shows up with shadings of guilt and obligation. It certainly isn’t festive and doesn’t contribute to either joy or peace.
So, here’s what I’m thinking: What if we were to release all of the “should do” items and replace them with “want-to-dos”?
Here’s how that works. Every time you find yourself saying – or thinking – “I should do…” switch it up. Ask: “Do I want to do this thing?” If the answer is no, follow up with “Do I have to do this thing? Is it truly necessary?” If your answer is another no, do yourself a favor and let it go, even if it’s a tradition you’ve been observing for the last 30 years or more.
If you decide that the thing you’re feeling should-ish about is necessary, try doing it with love.
Whatever you do, do it with love
Feeling martyred or victimized by a situation or circumstance where you’re obligated to do something is guaranteed to amplify stress and fuel resentment. And then, because we’re good people at heart and we don’t want to be like Scrooge or the Grinch, we beat ourselves up for the way we feel. This creates an intensifying cycle of feeling bad about feeling bad.
So, how do we break ourselves out of this toxic dump of emotions and get into the holiday spirit?
It helps to find a way to do whatever it is with love. Buying gifts, baking, hosting 20 people for a big dinner? Do it with love. Everything feels easy when motivated by love. And yes, I realize the problem is that you’ve lost that loving feeling and have no idea how to get there. Thinking and will power probably won’t do it. But I have a simple, effective practice for you to try.
1. Sit down. Take a deep breath, and then another. Pay attention to your breathing, just noticing what your body is doing, and not trying to change it. (If you melt down into tears at this point, let them happen. Sometimes you’ve just got to let it all out.)
2. Put your hand over your heart to help you focus, then imagine that your breath is moving in and out of your heart.
3. Slow your breathing down, so you’re taking nice long breaths that are about six seconds in, and six seconds out. Feel free to count, but no timing with your phone or your watch or whatever. Focus on breathing in and out through your heart.
4. When you feel yourself beginning to relax and calm, bring into your awareness something or someone or someplace that is easy to love. A kitten, a baby, the beach, a sunrise, whatever. Focus on the feeling of loving this place or person or thing as you keep breathing in and out through your heart.
5. When you’re feeling the love, let it spill over onto the people for whom you are buying the gifts or making the meal or decorating the tree. Go back to your other love object if necessary. After a few minutes you will feel calmer and more positive and, very probably, more loving toward the people in your life.
Once you get good at this, you can do it in a car full of kids or in line at the grocery store, but to begin with, carve out five minutes of alone time in a quiet space so you can get the hang of it. (Hey, the bathroom works if necessary. There’s a lock on the door and people are reluctant to ask what you’re doing. You may think I’m kidding, but desperate times call for desperate measures.)
I plan on practicing these things myself this year and I challenge you to join me. Let’s make it the happiest holiday season ever.
Colville resident Kerry Schafer (who also writes as Kerry Anne King) is the bestselling author of 15 novels and the co-host of The One Happy Thing Podcast. Find out more at www.allthingskerry.com.