By Kerry Schafer
Have you ever found yourself caught up in a vicious cycle of “I’ll be happy when…”?
It goes like this: I’ll be happy when (and if) I get that perfect job, buy my dream house, go on that fabulous vacation, move to a better community, win the lottery, get married, get divorced, and so on.
Most of us fall into this trap on a pretty regular basis, only to discover that after a brief spike of pleasure, elation, or satisfaction, we fall right back into needing some other future thing in order to be happy.
I have come to believe that all of those desires that we think are going to make us happy are an ever-shifting mirage, because we can’t live in the future, only in the now. Harry Chapin totally nailed this in his platinum hit song “The Cat’s in the Cradle.” (If, like me, you always thought this was a Cat Stevens song – nope! It was Harry Chapin. It took about five Google searches to convince me I was wrong.)
I think it’s the universal relatability of that famous recurring line, “we’ll have a good time then” that makes the song such an enduring classic. We can all empathize with the man who kept putting off having a good time until it was too late.
Let’s take love as an example.
At some point in our lives, every one of us is convinced that happiness will be ours if that one radiant being we’ve fallen in love with returns our devotion. Eventually, if our love continues to be unrequited, we move on. If we’re lucky enough to have our person love us back, we move into a state of perfect bliss – for a time.
Sooner or later, we realize that this person we love isn’t perfect after all. There’s the first big fight. The daily annoyances. Squabbles over how to squeeze the toothpaste, which way the toilet paper roll should be installed, and whose turn it is to take out the trash. Currently, the divorce rate in the U.S. is about 41%, and a lot of the marriages that endure are not necessarily happy. Even if you are one of the lucky ones who falls in love and stays in love long term, I think we can safely assume that a relationship with the person of your dreams isn’t the key to lasting happiness.
Then there’s the myth that happiness lies in landing the perfect job.
You’re on the lookout for a better job when you see it – your dream job! This, finally, is the thing that is going to make you feel fulfilled and happy. You fill out the application, track down some glowing referrals, write a letter and wait with fingers crossed.
You nail the interview, you get the job, and you are happy, until you begin to notice that the job isn’t really perfect after all. You need a bigger office. There’s that annoying co-worker. Really, you’re not paid enough for everything you do, and you deserve a promotion, a raise. At every step, you’re telling yourself that little lie that says you’ll be happy when you get it.
Finally, after a lot of years of not being happy, you get to retire. That will finally make you happy, right?
Alas, probably not. If you haven’t figured out how to be happy in the now, retirement won’t be any happier than your work life.
But, I have happy news! Researchers have discovered that we can all learn how to be happier in the now, rather than waiting for some elusive future. Leading brain researcher Dr. Richard Davidson of the University of Wisconsin said, “Based on what we know of the plasticity of the brain, we can think of things like happiness and compassion as skills that are no different from learning to play a musical instrument or tennis…it is possible to train our brains to be happy.”
How can you train your brain to be happy? Here are a couple of skills you can begin practicing right now:
Develop Awareness of Automatic Negative Thoughts. Our brains tend to run on autopilot a whopping 90% of the time. For most of us, this means an endless loop of dissatisfied, worried, resentful and unhappy thoughts, what psychologist Daniel Amen calls Automatic Negative Thoughts, or ANTS. Unsurprisingly, researchers at the National Institute of Health discovered that having negative thoughts stimulates the areas of the brain involved in depression and anxiety. So, it’s no wonder that most of us are not exactly radiant with joy.
The first step towards changing these thoughts is to become more aware of them and deliberately choose more positive ones. Yes, we can literally think ourselves happier.
Cultivate Gratitude. There’s a good reason why therapists and positive psychologists are continually telling their clients to practice gratitude: it works! We can shift automatic negative thoughts to automatic happier thoughts by deliberately shifting our focus. It can feel hard to get started, but the more you work your “gratitude muscle,” the stronger it gets.
With time and practice you can learn to be happier right here, right now. And then, when you do get the job, buy the house, or connect with the love of your life, you will be able to enjoy it in the moment, rather than holding out for the next good thing.
“Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties.” —Hellen Keller
Colville resident Kerry Schafer (who also writes as Kerry Anne King) is the bestselling author of 14 novels and the co-host of The One Happy Thing Podcast. Find out more at www.allthingskerry.com.